I Don’t Write When I’m Happy… and Here We Are

On the bright side, you guys are going to have more of my shitty writing to read.

I’m starting to look at my doctors like cheating boyfriends. I love them, and I appreciate what they do, but I’m having a hard time trusting them. For almost a year, I’ve been hearing “It’s probably nothing”,”ignore that little spot on the PET scan”, “this is probably just a minor infection”, “You MUST have a lipstick in that shade”… I may have embellished that last one.

cheating bf

I feel like the doctors know when to be suspicious, and they’re not always sharing their suspicions with Amanda and Me. Part of me thinks “Dude, just be honest with me, I can handle it and I want to prepare for the worst”, and the other side of me thinks “Amanda and I just had a few really great months together; and the last few months wouldn’t have been nearly as great if I knew that the cancer wasn’t gone and that it’s slowly growing next to my heart.” I so badly wanted to believe my doctors that I just did, and maybe my family is better off because of it… like a cheating boyfriend… you know?

Analogy aside, I have endless respect for my doctors and what they do. I don’t think I have what it would take to be an Oncologist/Hematologist.

The cancer isn’t “back”, but it was probably never completely gone. It’s now just a couple tiny spots in the left side of my chest, and they’re going to get it with radiation therapy. Now that we’re doing some research, we’re learning that when you’ve had a tumour of my size, it’s very normal to follow up chemotherapy with radiation. Radiation is only avoided in “special cases”.

So I’m not special.

My preschool teacher always told me I was… was she like a cheating boyfriend to!? Maybe I’ll come back to that.

I only got this news a few hours ago, so I’m not really sure what’s coming next. All I know is that I’ll be getting radiation therapy every day for 3 weeks, and I’ve been told by a few friends that radiation is a walk in the park compared to chemo… so let’s buckle up for another roller coaster.


So it goes.





2 thoughts on “I Don’t Write When I’m Happy… and Here We Are

  1. Devastating, Andrew. Trying as we always try to do, to find the bright side, you and Amanda squeezed in an amazing trip and summer. Better those doctors didn’t ruin those happy times. But I have to ask – why didn’t they deal with the blip completely? Take it out of you or something! You told us they said it was like scar tissue. It’s pretty hard to have faith and trust that cheating boyfriend and anything he says! Sorry, I’m just so MAD! Jack and I are always here for you. xoxox


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